


How to Catch a Human

by GabzJones



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Fluff, Humor, Hunting Humans, I mean we're hunting humans and killing them so you know, M/M, Mentions Death/Murder, Romance, They're kind of the bad guys but a vampire's gotta eat, Vampires, it's a bit morbid here but we try to stay light hearted about it, rated M 'cause it might be a bit dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2019-08-14 04:04:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16485584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GabzJones/pseuds/GabzJones
Summary: Victor's new to this whole vampire thing. It's tricky, there are things you have to learn when you turn. One of the things that he had continued to struggle with is hunting. Humans are hard to catch. Victor had never been a good flirt, but Yuuri tried his best to teach him anyway.A vampire's gotta eat!





	How to Catch a Human

**Author's Note:**

> Finally got my Halloween fic here! Kinktober will be finished, even though October's over. I'm going to be focusing on zine pieces and my fluffbang in November, but I'll probably do some kinktober here and there along the way. For now, enjoy some wholesome vampire content.
> 
> Note: I wanted Yuuri and Victor to feel like the bad guys in this? Too many times I see vampire fics where the vamps avoid being bad or are painted as trying to survive with what they have. Yuuri and Victor own it in this. They bad and they love it!

“You smell so good.” The words had left Victor’s mouth before he could stop them. It wasn’t his fault. It was true. All he could smell was this stranger, and he smelled so, so good. But telling him that probably wasn’t the smartest choice. It was weird to tell people how good they smelt. Especially a stranger.

He chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his neck, “Thanks?”

Well, it could’ve been worse. He could’ve just walked away. Victor still had a chance to turn this around. Whatever this was. He still couldn’t believe he was doing this, that this was what his life had turned to. But this was something he couldn’t avoid forever, and he had been excited about it at least at first. It was only now that Victor was realising how truly awful he was at flirting. Or seduction of any kind, really.

“What I mean is um, you look really good, have you been working out?” Victor winced the second he said it, knowing that was wrong. Very wrong. This was a stranger, not someone he’d known for a long time.

The man raised his eyebrow, looking Victor up and down, “Why? Do I smell like sweat?”

“What? No! No, no, no. That’s not what I meant. I just thought, you know—”

He pointed a thumb behind him as he slowly stepped away from Victor, “I’m just gonna go now.”

Victor watched helplessly as the stranger made a hasty retreat. He should’ve expected it. How do people possibly pick up men in bars? It looks so easy in the movies. Victor had watched people do it, had seen how easy it was, but every time he got close, he stumbled on his words. He put his foot in his mouth. Victor was never going to find anyone at this rate.

He was going to starve.

With shoulders slumped forward and an air of defeat, Victor slowly trudged his way to the back of the bar, sliding into the booth he had been sitting in moments before that mess had begun. Victor’s pride was wounded. So was his ego. He needed someone to tell him it was alright, that he was a sexy seductress and that guy was just a fool. Instead, he was met with giggling.

To Yuuri’s credit, he was trying to stifle his laughter behind his hand, but it was still obvious all the same, “That was… an attempt.”

“It’s not like you could do any better,” Victor huffed, resting his head on the table in front of him.

“I’ve survived a couple centuries on my own so far just fine.” Yuuri smirked, folding his arms over his chest as he leaned back in his seat, “You’re trying too hard. Just be yourself.”

“Oh, that’ll work. ‘Hi there. I’m looking for someone to eat and you look delicious. Would you mind if I take a bite?’ Brilliant, Yuuri.”

“You’d be surprised how often that works.” Yuuri laughed at the look of utter horror on Victor’s face, “That’s a bit too honest, though. Let’s try something that won’t get you arrested.”

Victor pouted, looking up at Yuuri through his lashes, “How’d I manage to get you?”

Yuuri’s smile was filled with adoration as he shifted closer, combing gentle fingers through Victor’s hair, “Well, I was trying to do the seducing.” He pointed out, “Besides, I found your nervous stammering adorable.”

“Well, I managed to stop you eating me, at least.”

Yuuri grinned, pressing a kiss to the top of Victor’s head, “As delicious as you are, I would’ve missed you too much, love.”

Victor hummed happily, sitting up and resting his head against Yuuri’s shoulder. Turning closer, he nuzzled into Yuuri’s neck. It would probably scare any other potential meals away to see him so comfortable with someone else, but Victor had given up on his chances of a decent meal that night. Instead, he could at least focus on Yuuri, could shower him with all the love he deserved. Maybe if he was lucky, Yuuri would catch them a meal again. They could try to teach him some other time.

Victor brushed his lips against Yuuri’s neck, arm winding around his waist as he moved closer, “I’m tired. Let’s just go home.”

“I’d love to.” Yuuri sighed, eyes fluttering closed as he tilted his head, giving Victor better access to his neck, “But I’m hungry.”

“You can make a meal outta me.” Victor smirked, nipping playfully at Yuuri’s neck.

“If only you could be that smooth with humans.” Yuuri chuckled, reluctantly pulling away. He carefully brushed Victor’s hair from his eyes, “Alright, I guess dinners on me again tonight. Anyone caught your eye?”

He didn’t want to take his eyes off Yuuri. Not for a moment. Yuuri was all messy dark hair and soft brown eyes. His smile was sweet like honey with an air of danger that Victor had always found enticing. Victor didn’t care who they ate, he just wanted to stare at Yuuri forever. Who wouldn’t? He was stunning. Reluctantly, he looked around the room, spotting someone sitting on their own. They didn’t look like they’d had much to drink. That meant their blood wouldn’t be too thin. But he was kinda cute in his own way. He had nothing on Yuuri, but he’d make a nice meal, at least.

Victor nodded in the man’s direction, turning back to Yuuri and beaming because oh, his Yuuri was so beautiful. Every time he saw Yuuri, he had to smile. It was an inevitability. Yuuri glanced up at the stranger, humming appreciatively, “Good choice.” He pressed a kiss to Victor’s lips, quick but gentle, but with the promise of more, “Go home, I’ll bring him back with me.”

* * *

 

It wasn’t that Victor was jealous. He knew that there was no one in the world who could turn down Yuuri. If there was a human that said no to his advances, Victor couldn’t be certain they were actually human. He wasn’t jealous. If anything, it gave Victor a great sense of pride to know that despite how easily Yuuri could have and eat anyone in the world, he had chosen to spend his eternal life with him.

It wasn’t even that Yuuri was mean about it. Yuuri had been so patient with Victor, had tried to teach him the best ways to catch a human and bring them home for dinner. When Victor failed, Yuuri would smile at him. Not a smile that hid some kind of disappointment. No, it was a real, genuine smile. Because Yuuri didn’t care. He didn’t mind being the one who lured their meals home, but Yuuri insisted on teaching him all the same, insisted that should anything happen, should they get separated for whatever reason, Victor needed to be able to feed himself.

No, that wasn’t the problem at all. The problem was that Victor just wanted to impress him. Victor wanted Yuuri to be proud to be with him, to be able to hold his head high, to know that Victor could take care of them both if he wanted to. And he did. He really did want to. Victor wanted to be able to surprise Yuuri one day, for Yuuri to come home and for him to have a human there, just waiting to be eaten.

It had been only a few months since Yuuri turned Victor. There weren’t a lot of differences between human life and vampire life. It would’ve felt exactly the same if it wasn’t for the need to feed on people. It was something Yuuri had been cautious about. He avoided telling Victor what he was for so long because it would mean admitting that he hunts humans. Yuuri doesn’t just hunt them. He enjoys it. He enjoys finding a human, seducing them with the knowledge that they would be his next meal. Yuuri wasn’t what people would call a good person.

But neither was Victor. He hadn’t run away. He had been intrigued, had wanted to know what it was like to feed on a person, to be… this. The desire to spend eternity by Yuuri’s side just made the choice easier. Victor never minded the killing. It was exhilarating in its own strange way, and feeding with Yuuri was… an experience. It was so intimate. So much more intimate than Victor had expected it to be. They’d fallen into bed together so many times after feeding, consumed by passion. There was something about it that seemed to have them both acting on primal instincts, but Victor would never complain. The new aspects of his life were incredible.

Victor’s thirst had been satisfied in every sense of the word. His stomach was full, and he had a very naked, very cuddly Yuuri curled up in his arms. Victor should’ve been happy. But as he stared up at the ceiling of their quiet bedroom, his mind wandered back to that bar, wondering what Yuuri had done to make their meal come home with him. How was it always so easy for him? What was Victor supposed to do to catch a human?

Yuuri held Victor tighter as he stretched like a satisfied cat, pressing his body closer. He yawned against Victor’s neck, an utterly adorable and completely Yuuri thing to do after a very satisfying feeding. All the while, Yuuri’s fingers were running up and down Victor’s stomach, his voice nothing more than a quiet murmur in the night air, “Vitya? Mm what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, love,” Victor responded automatically.

“Liar.” Yuuri nipped gently at Victor’s jaw, a fang scratching delicately against his skin, “Is this about what happened back at the bar? ‘Cause I told you it’s okay.”

“I just… don’t want to rely on you all the time.”

“Why? You plan on leaving me one day?” Yuuri teased, a small smile playing on his lips.

Victor looked down at Yuuri in his arms, saw the mischief in those pretty brown eyes. They promised each other eternity the day Yuuri agreed to turn him, and Victor had never regretted it. Not for a second. Life with Yuuri was better than anything he had before. Now that he had Yuuri, Victor didn’t ever want to lose him.

Moving quickly, Victor pinned Yuuri to the bed, resting their heads together, “You’re all I need for the rest of time.”

Yuuri’s smile was adorable, bright and beaming as he stole a kiss, “Turning you makes you my responsibility. Can’t let you go now.”

Victor took a deep breath, sighing happily, “You smell so good…”

“That line barely worked at the bar,” Yuuri laughed, “What makes you think it’ll work now?”

“Are you saying it’s not working?”

There was a pause, a moment of silence between them in the dark room. And then Yuuri was threading his fingers into Victor’s hair, pulling him closer and catching their lips together. No matter how many times they did this, it still felt new and exciting. Being with Yuuri was going to be an adventure for the rest of his life. Victor couldn’t wait. Whatever people thought they knew about vampires didn’t seem to be true. They were undead? They were cold and lifeless? Yuuri’s lips were always so warm and soft. Victor sighed happily against them. He could still taste the blood on Yuuri’s tongue. Such an intoxicating taste, Victor was already addicted to it, though Yuuri said it got easier with time.

“You smell good, too,” Yuuri whispered as he pulled away.

Victor nuzzled against Yuuri’s neck, breathing in his enticing scent, “One day, I’ll bring home a human for you. I promise.”

“I know you will, love. But it’s okay for you to make mistakes along the way.” Yuuri held Victor tighter, like he was something precious, “Get some sleep.”

* * *

 

Yuuri had been feeding more regularly than he had in centuries. It wasn’t because he needed it. It was simply that Victor did. He was young, still adjusting to his hunger. Younger vampires were always hungrier. Yuuri had told him it would be like this for the first couple years. It was like evolutions way of forcing a vampire to learn how to hunt. Eventually, there would be more and more time between his need.

Yuuri said he only needed to feed once every couple months, that he had learned how to get the most blood from someone to survive that long between hunts, but as it was, they were feeding once every couple weeks. Victor was the one who needed it, but he enjoyed sharing with Yuuri, and Yuuri seemed to be absolutely living for the hunt.

But Victor was still having no luck.

It had been two hunts since that mess at the bar. Yuuri had been the one to bring home the meal both times, and had saved Victor from a very awkward situation when Victor had accidentally tried to invite home someone’s husband. Victor didn’t blame that failure on himself. How was he supposed to know the guy was married? That was when Yuuri taught him another important lesson about finding the right human; check for a ring.

Yuuri had left Victor alone for a day. He hadn’t told Victor exactly why, simply saying that he needed to get some things sorted, but it meant leaving Victor on his own to think about how in the world he was supposed to lure a human. If he could just do it once, he’d be happy. Victor was dying to surprise Yuuri.

Yuuri. How did Yuuri do it? How did everyone always fall for Yuuri’s charms? That was probably a dumb question. How could you not fall for that adorable, sexy, smooth talker? Yuuri was the whole package. Just a picture of that stunning face would win you over, and then there was his personality. He was adorable in every way and it wasn’t fair. Yuuri always wins everyone over.

Yuuri.

That was it. That was the answer. It was crazy, absolutely insane, really. But it made sense in Victor’s mind. If all the sane routes weren’t working, maybe the insane one would. It was early evening and Victor was sitting alone in a practically deserted coffeeshop. Scrolling through his phone, Victor slid his thumb along the screen, slowly looking through all the photos he had of Yuuri.

Another thing humans had gotten wrong about vampires. They had reflections, and Yuuri was very photogenic, though he tried to avoid photos simply because he was shy. Victor had some good ones, though. Moments when Yuuri was laughing unabashedly, a stolen moment of him asleep on the couch, even a picture from their first date with Yuuri’s bright smile as Victor pressed a kiss to his cheek. Victor kept scrolling until he finally landed on one in particular. Yuuri wore a shy smile, a rosy blush painting his cheeks. Victor remembered that night well. The night he had asked Yuuri to be his forever. The night Yuuri had told him the truth about what he was. He’d been so scared, but there was nothing in the world that would’ve scared Victor away.

Perfect.

Looking around the room, Victor spotted someone sitting on their own, ignoring their coffee. Her attention was entirely on the phone in front of her, fingers tapping away furiously. She seemed… angry. Maybe that was a bad sign. Maybe he shouldn’t have attempted to seduce the angriest woman he’d ever seen, but sanity hadn’t been working in his favour up until that point. It wasn’t like she could kill him, and being rejected wouldn’t really hurt his ego anymore.

It was as Victor was making his way over to her that he caught a glimpse of her phone screen. The words ‘it’s over’ had been texted to her in big bold letters. Ah, a break up. Maybe she wasn’t the worst idea after all. He offered her a small smile, “Excuse me, miss? I’m sorry to bother you. I saw you here and… you’re just so my friend’s type.”

“I’m sorry?” She frowned, looking up from her phone for the first time since Victor had noticed her.

Victor moved a chair over to her side of the table. Probably creepy. Probably weird. This was probably going to end in failure. Sitting down beside her, Victor held his phone between them, showing her the photo of Yuuri, “See um, he’s really shy and he hasn’t had much luck in his love life lately.” He’d have to apologise to Yuuri for that lie. That was a terrible, awful lie. “But he’s really funny and sweet, and well, you can judge his looks for yourself.”

If she thought he was anything less than stunning, then she was insane. That was really the only way anyone could judge Yuuri’s looks. Victor wanted to say more. He wanted to tell her all the wonderful things about Yuuri, but he knew that he’d only oversell it. He couldn’t get too excited. Getting overexcited would ruin this opportunity.

She looked at the photo, clearly biting back a smile, “He’s cute.”

Well, she had taste, at least. Ironic, if her fate was to be what Victor was hoping for. He chewed his lip nervously, looking down at the picture on the phone screen. He was nervous. This was the furthest he’d ever gotten before. He’d never even attempted this without Yuuri there to save him if things went wrong. But he was doing this for Yuuri. To surprise him with a meal, to prove that he could do this.

“I know this sounds crazy, but do you think maybe you’d be willing to meet him? Just meet him. If you don’t like him, you can walk away and you’ll never hear from either of us again.”

She looked sceptical. That was fair. This probably wasn’t the best place to pick someone up. It would probably work better at a club or a bar, somewhere with people who were actually looking for a good time. She leaned back in her chair, “I don’t know…”

“Oh, right. I’m sorry, I should’ve known.” Victor got to his feet, pocketing his phone as he prepared to walk away and give up. Yet another failed attempt to lure a human. Why had he expected this to work?

“Should’ve known?”

“You’ve already got a boyfriend, right? Girlfriend?” Victor smiled, “Sorry to have wasted your time.”

She looked at her phone in the middle of the table, staying quiet for a moment. Victor was preparing to leave when she finally spoke, “No. No, I’m single. I’d love to meet him.”

* * *

 

Victor had more luck selling Yuuri to people than he ever had trying to sell himself. It should’ve been expected, really. Yuuri was the perfect catch. Victor felt much more confident talking about how wonderful Yuuri was than trying to win someone over for himself. Sure, he’d have to eventually learn how to do that, but for now, this was working. Victor hadn’t managed to just get that woman. No, he’d gone out that night and managed to lure home two more men with promises of meeting the beautiful Katsuki Yuuri. Technically, it wasn’t a lie. They’d meet him. It would just be the last thing they’d do.

Excitement was bubbling up inside him. Victor couldn’t wait for Yuuri to get home, to see how successful he’d been. How happy would Yuuri be? Would Yuuri reward him for his hard work? Victor couldn’t sit still, pacing back and forth around the room. His mind was reeling with the possibilities. And then the sound of the front door opening rang through the room. Victor had expected Yuuri to come inside, but instead, he simply peered through the door.

“Vitya? You home?”

“Yuuri? What’re you doing?” Victor smirked, tilting his head to the side as he watched Yuuri curiously.

“I have a surprise for you.” Yuuri’s grin was so wide, his eyes sparkling with his excitement.

“I have a surprise for you, too.” Victor hadn’t expected this. He had expected to make Yuuri smile with his little surprise, not to see him so excited for his own. He was so cute, so adorable. Victor didn’t deserve him.

“You do?” Yuuri blinked, surprised. “Well, can I give you mine first? I can’t really come inside without giving it away.”

Victor chuckled, “Come inside, love.”

“Okay, don’t freak out on me.”

There was nothing in the world that could freak Victor out anymore. His boyfriend drank blood, killed people, hunted them. And now, he did, too. What could possibly be more surprising than that? Victor was about to point that out himself when Yuuri opened the door, revealing his surprise. There was a jingling of a lead on a collar as a poodle rushed into the room, pouncing on Victor in her excitement. Victor wasn’t prepared. Not at all. He was pushed to the ground instantly by the big dog, receiving a face full of licks as a greeting.

“Wow! Hello,” Victor cooed, rubbing behind the dog’s ears. She was adorable, brown curly fur soft to the touch, “Who’s this?”

“Her name’s Makkachin.” Yuuri smiled fondly as he watched Victor sit up with Makkachin on his lap, “I know you’ve been down about hunting, and I’ve always wanted a dog. For the first time in my life, I have someone to help me take care of one.”

“But we’re gonna live forever.” Victor frowned, his focus entirely on the very good girl in front of him, “We’ll lose her one day…”

It would happen even if they weren’t vampires, but the mortality of living creatures felt a lot more real since he’d been turned. A lot more serious. Yuuri laughed, shaking his head, “No, actually. It’s very hard to find a vampire that isn’t human, and they need a lot more care than a regular pet, but she’s gonna live just as long as we do.” He chewed his lip, averting his gaze, “It’s kind of a commitment. That’s okay, right?”

That wasn’t the answer he’d expected. Victor was prepared for Yuuri to tell him that it was okay, that nothing lasted forever. Nothing but them. Something sweet and romantic like that. But for Makkachin to be able to survive for the rest of time, to be a loyal pooch for the both of them… that was something Victor couldn’t have possibly dreamed of.

“Yuuri…” Victor wrapped his arms around Makkachin, nuzzling against her fur, “We’re a family.”

“Of course we are. And I know you’ll help me take good care of her. Even if you can’t hunt, I know you’ll be good to her. Besides, some people love a guy with a dog.” Yuuri teased.

Right. Hunting. Victor had almost forgotten about the people he had stashed away. Reluctantly, he pulled himself out from under Makkachin, getting to his feet. The moment she didn’t have all of Victor’s attention, the poodle started investigating her new home, sniffing at furniture as her tail wagged rapidly in her excitement.

Victor wrapped his arm around Yuuri’s waist, guiding him inside, “My turn to surprise you.”

“Is it as good as a poodle?” Yuuri leaned his weight against Victor, “Or do I win?”

“I don’t know, that’s up to you to decide.” Victor shrugged. Honestly, he liked the poodle a lot better, but he thought maybe it would at least make Yuuri happy to know that he could take care of all of them just fine. He’d just have to avoid telling him how he’d managed to lure those people.

Victor guided Yuuri towards the cellar, opening the door and gesturing for him to go inside, “I hope you like them.”

He was actually nervous. Maybe Victor hadn’t picked out good people. Maybe they weren’t the best quality. Yuuri had always complimented his taste before, but he wasn’t there to stop him that day. He didn’t know. Maybe Yuuri would be disappointed, would tell him that the choices he’d made had been too easy. Was there even a way to tell that based purely on looks alone? Victor wasn’t entirely sure.

Nerves bubbled up inside him as he watched Yuuri step inside, switching on the light. He was met with the sight of three people tied up and gagged. Victor had put them in three very separate parts of the cellar, and Yuuri even had cages prepared for their meals a long time ago to make it easier. Yuuri really was perfect.

When Yuuri looked back at Victor, his eyes were wide, surprise and awe in his expression, “Did you…?”

Victor grinned, bouncing on his heels in his excitement, “Did I do okay?”

“Vitya, you did amazing!” Yuuri leapt on Victor, wrapping him up in his arms. There was no sweeter feeling than that; having Yuuri in his arms, being held close and knowing he was so completely loved. Yuuri buried his face in Victor’s neck, voice muffled against his skin, “I’m so proud of you.”

Maybe Victor still had a lot to learn about catching humans, but as long as he had Yuuri, he knew it would be okay. Besides, Makkachin seemed to sniff out the finest meals on their walks, and Victor didn’t have to try too hard to impress when there was a sweet pooch for people to admire.

He really did have a perfect family. Dysfunctional, but perfect.


End file.
